gregorywood.co.uk

What do you do?

Short url | 19 comments

When you’re in one of those moods. One of those moods which, despite all the positive things happening around you, never fails to convince you that everything is shit. You want to blame it on tiredness, but the mood has other ideas. It takes all those nice things in your life and taints them slightly, so that to observe them results in a sneer instead of a smile.

You and your girlfriend are unintentionally bickering. Whatever either of you say slightly annoys the other, despite favourable intentions. You both are physically and mentally tired, though you’re not athletes and didn’t move off the sofa on Sunday. This irritates you, but goes unspoken.

You check your emails, and have received a group of questions for an item you’re selling on eBay. Your item is obviously drawing attention and looks to sell for a surprisingly large amount, but you answer the questions with a scowl, wondering why the fuck these stupid eBay users don’t already know the answers to these silly questions. No, I won’t post it to fucking Mexico.

Work emails bring no joy. The client doesn’t know any better, and has annotated your crafted creations with a fat red pen. The way your year 7 maths teacher used to do; the one you really hated. The severity of the requested changes is minor, but the red scrawls and arrows touch an exposed nerve, and you close your laptop lid with a patronising sigh.

This room isn’t helping. It’s cold and all but one of the bulbs have blown, and there’s a fucking frog living under the sofa. It’s size is representative of the rest of your dwelling; too small when you moved in two years previously, and that was before you became addicted to second-hand le Carre novels. You are fully aware that earlier today you returned from signing a contract to purchase a large, beautiful house with a basement and decking in the garden, but the mood reminds that you still live here, and will do for a further ten or so days. You work it out as 261 hours.

Q. What do you do?

A. Go into the kitchen and blaze the washing up and cleaning. Relish it, like Spud in Porno. Whilst your bath is running, play side A of Bob Dylan’s Greatest Hits. Play it loud, enjoying the crackle and the acoustic guitar. Close your eyes and it sounds like Bob is singing next to you, but to someone else. Once your bath is run lock yourself in the bathroom, have a massive shit (in the toilet), and get in the (bath) water. The bath is very hot, and so deep you can float, as long as you keep enough air in your lungs. When you’re drying you may choose to trim your beard, you may not. Go downstairs and give your loved one a big hug and a kiss when she heads to bed. Eat a caramel rocky with a glass of milk, and play some simple but profound indie pop music. Let your eyes dictate when you should sleep, there’s nothing you really need to be up for.

Everything is fine, stop being a pussy. x

19 comments for:

What do you do?

  1. LOL, Your dead right! Glad to see I’m not the only one who gets stuck in my own little negativity ruts. Basically don’t sweat the little shit and get one with living!

    p.s love the blog, keep it up ;)

    Justin RobertsJustin Roberts's avatar — 08/12/09 at 02:40

  2. Nice post. Thought I’d let you know I enjoyed it. Not much more to say than that.

    Kev MearsKev Mears's avatar — 08/12/09 at 08:38

  3. Your answer is the perfect solution. The only thing that would taint this for me was if I locked myself in the bathroom, tried to have a massive shit and couldn’t (such relief denied) or got in the bath and *then* had a massive shit. That would push me over the edge.

    MutleyMutley's avatar — 08/12/09 at 08:59

  4. @Mutley that just made me laugh a lot more than perhaps it should. Loving your work.

    GregoryGregory's avatar — 08/12/09 at 09:00

  5. Usually this one make me feel better :
    http://is.gd/5fKN6

    brethorebrethore's avatar — 08/12/09 at 09:23

  6. Exfuckingactly.

    All you do is tell yourself (or the person being a girl scout) is to harden the fuck up. I say it all the time, even to my girlfriend–we have a great relationship.

    Glenn WeathersonGlenn Weatherson's avatar — 08/12/09 at 21:54

  7. Brilliant literary propensity. Edgy and memorably vivid.

    rexusdiablosGreg's avatar — 09/12/09 at 05:01

  8. My Boss recommended this site..

    This is totally awesome!

    pipspipsGreg's avatar — 09/12/09 at 05:15

  9. @Gregory - You laugh because it’s true. Cmon, we’ve all been there ... oops ...  Said too much.

    MutleyMutley's avatar — 09/12/09 at 11:59

  10. Yeah, when I first read it I thought you were saying to take a shit in the bathtub.

    I continually enjoy reading your posts.

    CourtneyGreg's avatar — 09/12/09 at 17:34

  11. I enjoyed that. Particularly the client bit.

    AliAli's avatar — 10/12/09 at 13:23

  12. i shat in the tub what now?

    stevesteve's avatar — 11/12/09 at 01:18

  13. Done, done, and done. There’s always a day like that (mine happened to last for about two weeks). But damn, if those chocolates and milk and sweet, simple indie songs didn’t help me through!

    Another lovely design, another little bit of wisdom :)

    RanjaniRanjani's avatar — 11/12/09 at 04:59

  14. Thanks for your comments all. I’ve edited that last paragraph, so we’ll have no more talk of shitting in baths, thank you very much.

    GregGreg's avatar — 11/12/09 at 10:06

  15. Bob Dylan would make any sane person feel better. Christ even Blood on the Tracks is uplifting and its the classic break up album!

    PeterPeter's avatar — 11/12/09 at 15:17

  16. forgetting the shitting in bath tubs, which maybe deserves it’s own page - great post greg
    good work.

    peter - yes blood on the tracks is awesome. awesome. dylan seems to refute claims it was influenced by his divorce at the time, which probably means it was definitely influenced by his divorce at the time.

    but either way, lily,rosemary and the jack of hearts wins.

    by a margin

    mossiahmossiah's avatar — 11/12/09 at 23:18

  17. A fucking great post! Related to it a lot,especially the bit about your design being marked by the clients fat red pen:))

    DinaGreg's avatar — 28/12/09 at 19:05

  18. I got a giggle out of this post. Very funny!

    Glad to know that I’m not the only one who “gets in those moods”. :-)

    KarenKaren's avatar — 03/01/10 at 17:56

  19. Hey Greg, I seem to have unleashed a bit of a beast across this post with the whole bath/poop combo.

    It seems to be like a rogue turd that won’t flush away, an “e-floater” if you will - and for that I apologise.

    I’ve popped back with a big stick, so I can give it a good prod and hopefully get rid of it for you.

    All the best!

    MutleyMutley's avatar — 14/01/10 at 19:51